I was under the impression that no one was there to help me so I dealt with it in my own ways, both trying to run from it and trying to hide my issues from everyone else.
I did nothing that was expected of me; I became pregnant at 14, had my son at 15, dropped out of high school at 17 (twice but later to return and graduate finally). Had my second son at 19 and my daughter at 21. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my kids' father for a total of 13 years and in that time he broke my spirit so badly that I attempted suicide. That night was the night I realized that he truely did not care about me. Instead of waking me up it only sunk me further into despair.
Right before my attempt I kicked him out of our apartment for the last time. Once I was released from the hospital I told myself that it was over and that I would start fresh. My intention was to return to cosmetology school (something I had dreamed of since I was very young but had always been told I'd never make any money) and to raise my kids to be the best kids possible.
I had quit my job 4 months prior because my depression was so bad that I was missing TONS of work. I was too ashamed to reach out to my employer to ask for the necessary tools and resources to get help and be able to keep my job. I had been working temp jobs and was in between. Not only was I trying to adjust to my ex being gone I was having to deal with where my next paycheck was coming from and how I was going to keep my apartment. I decided that I would give up my apartment and move home with my parents so that I could complete the 1500 hours necessary to obtain my cosmetology license and not have to worry about working full-time and paying bills.
At least that was the plan. Keep in mind through all of this I was still lacking in the mental health department for someone to help me straighten out my thoughts. One agency I went to I was told that all I needed was a "life coach"...how that was all I needed when I had consumed 30 antidepressents in one mouth full I will never understand.
I made it through almost 700 hours of my program when I was dropped due to not being able to pay monthly tuition ($300/mo). Finanical Aid was based off my previous year employment so I did not qualify for a full package of financial aid...even my employment that year was sporadic and at that time I was enrolled I was working 15-20 hours at Ulta 3 making $9/hr. That was all I needed to spiral back out of control.
The remaining year of 2008/2009 were a whirlwind of drugs, booze, boys, parties, and criminal activity. Honestly the only thing that may have gotten me out of it was that my best friend lost her house (which is where I had been living) and I was forced to move into a shit hole apartment on a prostitution infested street. I had many nights alone with my brain to decide I did not want to continue on this path. I got an extra push when I was unable to find work to take care of my rent once my meager savings had run dry.
I moved back in with my parents soon after. I found a job within walking distance of their house (I had lost my car in an accident right before I moved from my friends house) and I started to take college courses online. Within a few months I bought a new car and also got a new apartment. Although I continued to have some issues with coping I was on a better path.
I met a great guy mid-2009. He was everything that I had wanted in any guy before him. We had a whirl wind romance. Within 4 months of being together I packed up my family and we moved from my hometown to where he had grown up as a kid.
We've been here for just 10 days shy of three years. I have done so much mentally and emotionally to grow. Although I had a mild setback summer of 2011, I was in the position to request help because it was provided through the EAP program of my employer at that time.
I have now been dealing with depression and anxiety for almost 20 years.
I realize that I am a survivor in more ways than some people know. I have a job that pays my bills (although it is a difficult job for someone in my mental position, I deal with it), I have a beautiful house, my kids are healthy (and awesome).....I am blessed even if my mind is flawed.
Recently "great guy" and I have decided to part ways. Our relationship is very different than my previous so I know that this split will not break my spirit and instead I view it simply as growth. Right before I told him that I would be leaving I made the decision to re-enroll in beauty school. This time I will be in the nail technician program. During my full cos program, nails were my favorite thing to do but that particular school did not offer nails only at that location. For about a year now I have been researching area schools and trying to determine if I wanted to do full-cos or nails only and nails only won out.
I come home from my extra stressful job at a family medicine clinic (we serve mostly underinsured low income people...just about the MOST stressful demographic to serve) and sit at my desk and watch hours of nail tutorials (especially Robin Moses but I watch a few others as well). I do hours upon hours of nail art on both tips and my own nails. I devour everything possible online in the form of blogs and online mags in regards to the nail industry. I have found the therapy that works wonders for me and it is nowhere as expensive as a psychiatrist is.
A couple of things that I would like to do are become involved in suicide prevention and depression awareness. I have a few menu items in mind that I would like to provide that will go towards raising money for both prevention and awareness. I also plan on holding special events that will include speakers, silent auction, drink and hors d'oeuvres to raise funds.
Perhaps I would have made it to the same destination without dealing with depression, perhaps not. The only thing I know is that no one should ever feel they have to deal with it by themselves or have such a difficult time locating someone to help them simply because of their insurance (or lack thereof). The most difficult thing to have to tell my patients now is that we do not have anyone to help them simply because they have Medicaid. It is difficult for me because I know first hand the struggle that they're dealing with. I also know that many of these people are in far worse shape than I ever was but they're time and again told and shown that nobody is there for them unless they harm themselves or someone else.
I can only hope that I reach and prevent at least 1 person from taking their life. My way of doing so is by speaking out about my struggle and by providing my outlet as a way to help another feel better about themselves, even in a small way like their nails.
In the end of this I want to thank Robin Moses for being here for us every Mon, Wed, & Fri on Youtube. I look forward to coming home from a hard day and watching your tutorials and attempting the work myself. You are truely a beautiful soul and I thank you for inspiring me to keep at it and I thank you for luring me back into something my soul (and mind) find so theraputic. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
xoxo,
Nici
All of the below work done by me && inspired by Robin Moses
